Talking

The news media is making quite a fuss about it being summer. It is July. It is hot. It is humid. This is Alabama. The real news story would be snow drifts in Birmingham, ice storms in Montgomery, or polar bears coming ashore in Mobile. I’d buy a paper to read about such stuff. At least we can take some comfort in the fact that the media actually got this one right. Hot and humid. Good. Now, just try to avoid editorializing about it.

I was thinking today that environmental conditions affect behavior. Specifically, it occurred to me that one’s desire and ability to talk is tied to heat and humidity. I’ve noticed that when it is blue blazes hot and sauna-soaking humid, I do not want to talk. The effort is too exhausting. My mind is too hazy to properly form words and thoughts. Nor am I listening in such conditions. Likewise, in frigid conditions, who wants to engage in a conversation? As a service, here is a simple guide to knowing when to open your trap and when to clam up.

Clearly, temperatures 95+ with humidity anywhere above 50% are dangerous conversation conditions. Avoid all discussions. Never attempt to respond to a question. There is no telling what you might say or to what you might commit yourself. The best strategy is to fill a cooler with ice and beer, find a big shade tree, and hide out until the sweat stops soaking your underwear. Above all, remain silent.

Limited conversation is recommended when temperatures range from 87 to 94 degrees and humidity is high. Restrict all conversations to grunts and groans. Refrain from asking any questions that might demand extended listening and occasional coherent responses. For instance, NEVER ask, “Honey, what if we paint the living room red?” Should you be forced into conversation, remember to slow down your words. Add extra syllables and let your tongue roll fat and lazy. By following this procedure, you might be able to avoid breaking into a pouring sweat.

Regular conversation is possible when temperatures are 65 to 86 assuming the humidity is reasonable. Chit-chat, talks, discussions, robust debates, even jokes (as long as they do not contain the “F” word) are all theoretically possible. However, caution should be exercised when engaging in any conversation. Good weather will not save you should you be confronted with truth or pinned down on where-were-you-last-night-while-I-waited-on-your-sorry-ass-with-the-dinner-sitting-on-the-table-and-I-called-your-office-for-three-hours-and-when-are-you-going-to-mow-the-damn-grass-and-clean-out-the-extra-bedroom-because-Mother-is-moving-in. Live ammo drills – calling one of those 900 numbers advertised on late night television or talking to a cab driver – can prepare you for the verbal gymnastics when a real live person approaches you with words on his/her lips. Remain calm and soak up the moderate temperature and the comfortable humidity. Practice will turn your into a regular magpie.

Adverse temperatures, those 64 degrees or lower, are not conducive to conversation. Nothing life-affirming could possible come from a conversation in which your brain is near freezing. If forced into a verbal exchange in such conditions, seek immediate assistance of Scotch or similar medicinal application prior to uttering any responses. Frigid conditions will mask any slurring since those with whom you are engaged in conversation will assume you are shivering. It is a scientific fact, or at least it should be, that societies in cold climates have fewer words in their languages. Further, some even practice silence except when the commercials are playing.

Having suffered through dozens, perhaps hundreds, of conversations in my life, I am keenly aware how taxing and potentially dangerous talking can be. One misplaced word, an attack of honesty, or an unintentional misidentification can lead to pure misery. Few good things come from unscripted conversation. Unthinkingly, you can wind up buying a used 87 Plymouth Duster, or find yourself being fitted for a kayak for that whitewater trip you said you would attend, or picking up the check at a fancy restaurant for your reprobate brother-in-law and his chicken-faced wife.

Since conversation will continue to plague modern life until that day soon when all of our thoughts are beamed to I-phones then transmitted to every person you have ever friended, the best strategy is to check the weather before you open your mouth. Your fate is written in the stars.