The President's Speech

Here is the speech I would have liked for the President to have delivered last night.

Good evening.

I am happy to tell you this evening that America’s combat involvement in Iraq is over. This is good news and my inclination is to take credit for ending the war but too many of you remember my previous comments on the conduct of the conflict. I can tell you now that I had my head up my ass on Iraq. I was for cutting and running ever since the war’s poll numbers dropped below 50% approval. The moment the war was out of fashion, I was in the vanguard calling for our surrender. If you think about it, though, there are perfectly understandable reasons for me getting Iraq wrong.

First, what do I know about military conflict? The closest I’ve ever come to anything military is being surrounded by a phalanx of Chicago cops escorting me to a political rally. I’ve never worn the uniform nor have I ever wanted to. As my bud John Kerry says, the military is for folks who can’t get through school. I went to Harvard Law. Would you really expect me to risk that by going into the Army? But, you knew I had no military experience when you elected me.

Second, I know less about foreign policy than Joe Biden. And, what I am learning is that my idea of bringing him onto the ticket to give me some international wasta was pretty stupid on my part. The boy is a dunce. My background is community organizing in Chicago. I can’t be expected to know about Sunnis and Shias and Kurds and all that. But, you knew that I no international experience when you elected me.

Third, how was I supposed to know that the surge would work? When I said that the surge would backfire and that it would be a recruiting tool for the jihadists, boy, did I get that wrong. But, hey, I’ve never run a business, a city, a state, and certainly never a military, in my life. Say this with me, community organizer. That means that I know how to confer, to discuss, to debate. Occasionally, I’ve had to organize a group for a demonstration but that is a far cry from planning and executing a military maneuver in a shooting war. Truth is, I don’t know how to do shit. I don’t have calluses on my hands. Everything I’ve learned has been from a textbook or from my circle of friends. None of them have ever worked either. So, when asked if the surge would work, it was Bush’s policy and I was trying to take his place so, naturally, I had to say it was a disaster even though, hell, I didn’t have a clue. But, you knew that I had no experience running anything when you elected me.

Fourth, the brief period I spent in the Senate was all about running for president. I could hardly be expected to be an expert in every issue that came along. I was under enormous pressure to fend off Hillary – there’s one tough witch -- in order to get the nomination. I did get a break when the Republicans put McCain at the head of their ticket and he picked that wing-nut Palin – best two things that happened to me. The point is that with all those political machinations going on in my head, it is unfair to hold me accountable for actually knowing where I intended to lead the country. There was an election to win. It was the confluence of cosmic forces – a term-limited and unpopular opposition party president, no heir apparent, the election was up for grabs. And, I went for it. I had no choice but to criticize Bush and draw a picture of him as a moron. It worked. But, you knew that I was a political animal when you elected me.

And, fifth, who actually thought that these crazy jihadists actually believe some of the shit they espouse? I mean, who actually believes in all that religious hocus-pocus? Church is something you do on Sunday and it is good for the kids, keeps them busy. But, I am not going to live as the “lilies of the field,” or give away all I have and follow some preacher, or spend time with the homeless, the widows, and the orphans. Who has the time to do that? Nobody. It has come as a genuine surprise to me that these Islamists actually believe all that Muslim crap. Imagine believing that if you off a bunch of Christians you will be rewarded with seventy virgins. What? So, when I was shooting off my mouth about Bush’s policies inviting attacks against the United States, I was so full of shit that my eyes were brown. Little did I know that these Arab motherfuckers are crazy. Making excuses for them seem to make more sense to me at the time and it played well in the press so I was happy to mouth the words. But, you knew that I was an Islamic apologist when you elected me.

Oh, by the way, let me put to rest this bullshit about my faith. I am a Christian, just as devote, just as dedicated to the faith, as the overwhelming majority of Americans. So, shut the fuck up about Jesus.

Here we are, then, success in hand. Do you realize that I am the first president since Truman to be able to claim victory in a war? OK, that was a little cheap of me but you might want to keep that in mind in a couple of years. Me and Harry. And, did you know that Democratic presidents bring peace – Wilson, Truman, me.

We are sort of stuck in Afghanistan. I like to call it the good war. I had to fire McCrystal for pointing out my utter lack of military savvy. Patraeus is better. He is popular with the press. I have this plan to win the war in Afghanistan. I call it The Surge. My idea is to send a shitload of Army guys over there and tell them to kick ass and take names later. I expect victory in a matter of days. I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be the first double winner of the Nobel in history. If I could win it after less than a month in office, then I am an odds-on favorite to win it after bringing peace to Afghanistan.

I am on the job, presiding over the country and loving every minute of it.

Are you registered to vote? If not, call or go on-line to www.MoreHope.org and a friendly operative will assist you.

Good night, America.